Tonight

I slept around one a.m after listening over and over again the song I posted earlier. I suddenly woke up at 3.55 am and I could not sleep again. Tried to sleep again but I still could not sleep. So I am here again infront of my laptop very early this morning. It is either the strong coffee I drank before I slept or my own mind could not stop working tonight which cause all this. I don't know.

Bukan Diriku

I was ready to sleep tonight as I bid good night to two of my best friends by sms. I had been smsing them the whole night due to one question that had been on my mind since I chatted with Kak Ida earlier today. I did not get the answer for the question but I had an idea how to answer it myself. Yupp... every questions need an answer and the best answer will come from yourself. I really wanna go to bed early today as I need to drive up to Genting Highlands tomorrow for a meeting. Well I took it as a holiday for me and not a meeting... Hehehehhehehehe

As I was on my way to the toilet, I realised that TV3 is showing a repeated Hari Raya show named "Antara KL & Jakarta" which features Anuar Zain, M. Nasir and Marcell. Being Anuar Zain's fan, I stop a while at the TV. He was singing this song "Bukan Diriku" by Samsons. I love it so much so I want to share it with you. Enjoy it, it is beautiful plus painful if you really know the meaning.

Bukan Diriku

Setelah kupahami aku bukan yang terbaik
Yang ada di hatimu
Tak dapat kusangsikan
Ternyata dirinyalah yang mengerti kamu
Bukanlah diriku ..

Kini maafkanlah aku
Bila aku menjadi bisu kepada dirimu
Bukan santunku terbungkam
Hanya hatiku berbatas ‘tuk mengerti kamu
Maafkanlah aku..

Walau ku masih mencintaimu
Ku harus meninggalkanmu
Ku harus melupakanmu
Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
Ku harus merelakanmu

Dan hanyalah dirimu
Yang mampu memahamiku
Yang dapat mengerti aku

Ternyata dirinyalah
Yang sanggup menyanjungmu
Yang ramah menyentuhmu
Bukanlah diriku..

play song

Oh Happy Days!!

There are happy days in our life and there are not so happy days.. For me today, it is the mixture of both. I was unhappy earlier because I need to drive about 200km just to send my grand father's car. It was supposed to be my lazy Sunday where I sat down and spend my lazy day reading just anything (from books to magazines to newspaper etc). It is just a regime to help me to relax a bit just to help me control my stress level. Anyhow the day gets better when I had the chance to shoot few pictures and got a news from my sister. She manage to buy a copy of a book which I had been hunting for weeks. I will paste the picture of the cover. Then I got the chance to buy anoher two books. Oh what a happy day for me (eventhough I don't know when will I get the chance to read it all heheheheeh)

The first book, 'Diver Down'. It was listed at my friends blog as a must read book (for divers). I tried to find the book for nearly a month even tried buying it online. My sister manage to buy it at The Borders - Berjaya Times Square. I need to wait another 2 weeks till I get my hands on it. She's in KL.

The best seller of non-fiction books. The world is flat is my second book today. I am trying to change my reading style, ermmm as my age changes.. I am trying to read more non-fiction book.

The last book is The Life Plan, another non-fiction book I bought today. It is about self enrichment which I need a lot now.. heheheheh okie dokie.. I'll continue writing later.. Good night

Deception Point

I read this book during my Chinese New Year holidays. My third Dan Brown book after the famous 'Da Vinci Code' and 'Angels and Demons'. From what I found out, it was very different from the first two books I had read. It does not use any religion issues like the first two. I finish reading the whole book in two solid days, a record that I have not broken for quite some time. I use to read 400 to 600 pages book in one day but after started working I just don't have the privilage to do it. I usually need a week to finish reading which is a turn off heheheheheheeheh. I have one more Dan Brown's book to read, The Digital Fortress. I hope I could have in my hands soon.

While I was reading this book, I could feel like I was watching a thriller movie. It was enjoying. Just my type of book that I love to read, I am a bit particular on the authors especially on their way of writing. My favourite author was Sidney Sheldon, who passed away few weeks back. May he rest in peace.

7th February

It is the date I will not forget, unless I lost my memory. The date is the date that I had remembered since 1995.

I started to get to know him in 1994. I had the chance to know him earlier (1989 or 1990) but something had happened and only in 1994 I got the chance to know him.

When I first met him, I knew he was the one. It was a bad time though. He was dating my classmate at the time. I was dating someone else. I was only 18 years old at that time. Very young and very naive. I broke up with my boyfriend and few months later he broke up with his girlfriend. I tried my best to save the relationship but failed. I did it even though I started to realise I had fell for him. I grew closer to him especially when he realised that he could easily talk to me. I am a good listener and I think it is a gift from Allah which I treasure.

He had few relationship since then but I stayed single. One day, I saw him smoking and it broke my heart because he had promise to me that he won't smoke. I confronted him and I could feel that I started to fell for him even deeper. Our friendship grew stronger and I tried my best to hide my feelings towards him.

When I could not hide it anymore, I started to lie to my friends, telling them I admire someone else. It works until he came to me and 'proposed' me to be his girlfriend. My heart said yes, but my mouth said no. I could not betray my friend (his ex-girlfriend). I was crying inside but still smiling outside.

He 'proposed' to me for the second time but again I say no. After that he got closer to another girl. A girl we disapproved but we said nothing about it. As for me, I was still a good friend to him even though his new girlfriend did not like me. Whenever he was with her, he treated me as if he did not know me. Whenever he was alone or with others, he will treat me good which a lot of my good friends disapproved. For me, I did not mind at all, having the chance to talk to him was like the best thing in my life. We remained good friends behind his girlfriend.

I love him and I believe that if he is the one, he will come back to me. I continued my life studying and bumped into few relationships. I face the ups and downs in a normal life. I graduated in 1999, the same year he married the girl. The news broke my heart but at the same time I prayed for his happiness. I tried to be a good friend by hoping the best for my friend.

I started working, hopping on jobs till I became a teacher in 2002. Now and then I receive phone calls from him but I knew his wife still hates me. I started hearing bad stories about them but I kept on saving the best prayers for them. I broke off from two serious relationships in that period of time which had built a wall around me just to protect myself not to get hurt again.

He came back to me on the 7th February 2004. The day I wish I could talk to him, to wish him Happy Birthday. I wish him Happy Birthday and he was surprised that I still remembered. I never forgot and never will forget. He was still married to the girl but the marriage is on the rock. I was still in love to him but I don't want to take the chance to ruin their marriage. I thought I was given the second chance, the second chance to be with him. For me it's a sign from Allah, the sign showing he had came back to me.

I started seeing him, until his wife knew about it and started the chaos. I knew I should not be the third party on a marriage that is already in the danger zone. They filed their divorce on the 10th October 2004. I was not the reason for the divorce but I was the factor who quickens the process. He was devastated on the divorce, I tried my best to help him, as always, I want the best for him. I could just do anything for him.

The relationship went well. I was on cloud nine. I was with the one I love for 10 years. I could not ask better than all this. I started to get to know his family, in love to the whole family where they accepted me very well. Everything turns out good until we started to have our small fights. I thought it was normal till our telephone conversation on the 19 August 2005. After that, he never called, only text messages going back and forth.

I started missing him, missing him so much until I started buying a set of cross stitch for his birthday on the 7th February 2006. I failed to finish it on time so I bought something else for his birthday. I noticed that I started doing the cross stitch whenever I miss him and I had stopped doing it in mid 2006. I don't miss him anymore?

I tried to reflect back on what had happened to me. I was sad for sure but I tried to look it from another angle. When he first came back to me, I thought he was for me but now I think Allah had given me the chance to get to know him better from a different perspective. Which is an eye opening to me. I am glad that I had that chance. If not, I will still spare a part of my heart to him, which no one could ever replace it. Now, the space is vacant.

This year, I did not even wish him happy birthday. The 7th February is just another day in my life. I had enough from all this and surely I don't want to go through it again. He is not the one for me, I might have to go out to find the 'one' but I am taking a break. Mending a broken heart is not an easy task.

I had loved him for 12 years, I had shared the best moments with him. I had gone through the worst of it. I am glad I could have a taste of it. No regrets at all. I hope he will find his true love and be happy again.

My First

I had started blogging since end of 2005 here. A bit late to be compared to others. It had helped me a lot during my bad moments and had been a medium for my friends to get 'in-touch' to me. I was quite tired after driving to KL and back to Kuantan in just 27 hours, stuck in the New Year traffic most of the time. I slept very early last night and woke up around two a.m. Spending my night setting up this new blog and now I could hear the Al-Quran recital from the nearby 'Surau'. Subuh is just in few minutes time.

Frankly I was a bit stressed out these few days due to work load. It hit me bad this time so I am going to enjoy this Chinese New Year break to cool down a bit. I am going to spend it with my baby.. my D200. It has been inside the bag for quite sometime now. Hit the story books which I just don't have the time to read it before :-)